Random story time!!


Once upon a time there was a tree. A rather unusual tree if I were to be quiet honest with myself. A tree of magnificent feats, though not quite to the point of another tree known as the Giving Tree. This tree was know as the Magic Tree. The Magic Tree could decide to strike up a random conversation with someone, reach out with a branch and smack a person, or even grant wishes if it felt the need to. Bill Gates? That dude found the Magic Tree. Voldemort? He. Found. The. Magic. Tree. And then preceded to smack his face against it until his face broke from the strain of being an enormous pain in everyone’s asses.

It was rumored that this very unusual tree had once been the reason for so many things that went wrong in the world. Jeffery Dahmer probably found this tree and wish for something that seemed completely sane, and that was turned upside down, and over onto it’s back until the history books now have a special place for him. If you were to piss off said tree you ended up in the most terrible place for all of eternity…. The DMV. All you did for the rest of the Earth’s life span was stand in a line, talk to exceedingly rude people every day, and be pushed off to the next line of people because your problem wasn’t “their division”. Sort of reminds me of that BBC show Sherlock when Detective Lestrade states, “not my division”.

The reason I am telling this really long explanation for a tree is because someone needs to understand that you DO NOT FUCK WITH THE MAGIC TREE. I decided that it would be fun to throw things at it once day, and then the next thing I knew I was standing in the this eternal hell hole…. Bet Satan has it better than this and would actually offer his condolences if he could, and he’s SATAN!!!

When I decided that it would be funny to throw stones at an unremarkable tree it was just because of the horrible day I had already endured. Car wouldn’t start. Hired a horse to take me out to work, a brilliant idea until the horse decided it didn’t appreciate having to go down the road with only one carrot as payment. Damn thing threw me off into the forest, and to my utter irritation, directly into a shrubbery! Where was King Arthur and the Knights-Wh0-Say-Ni when you needed them!? Because, or course, my day couldn’t possibly get any worse, I decided to trek my happy ass back to the highway when it started to rain, then snow, and then this beautiful tornado came along and somewhere-over-the-rainbowed me to a clearing.

I was deposited — as gently as a shot put object being thrown directly into a wall — directly on top of a patch of briars. I then decided that I would rather eat my hat than stay there much longer. I waded through the patch of god-forsaken briars and then saw this small pile of rocks. My mother had always said, “don’t throw stones in glass houses,” but this wasn’t a house made of glass and I decided that a little rage-release would be a good thing right about now. I  flung these rock at every damn thing I could as long as it stayed stationary. This is when my day went from beat-the-hell-out-of-everything-or-die frustrating to oh-holy-hell-my-day-is-just-like-that-m0vie-where-nothing-seems-t0-g0-right-and-everyone-dies fantastic. In other words, a bloody damn tree decided it was going to beat the crap out of me with it’s branches, curse a blue streak at me, and then condemn me to a place the people who inhabit Dante’s 9 levels of Hell would shiver in terror at.

Well, looks like I have to wrap this up for now, it’s my turn to argue with a a man about my insurance papers.


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