How to Cure a Zombie

Mature language and situations ahead, reader discretion is advised.

Good morrow Dear Adventurer! A powerful curse has befallen your village, and everyone, except yourself, has been turned into a zombie. It is up to you to find the cure for your village! Let us get started!

You must first fine the Miller who knows the Miner who knows the Minter. From him you will receive an axe. Start by finding the men in reverse. Once the axe is in your possession, travel to the north. This will consist of a 2 1/2 day journey where you will come across the Minter’s son Ernesto. When you follow him home he gives you a places to lay your weary head for the night: a cardboard box. After a rather atrocious night of sleeping and nearly freezing to death, he will hand you a ‘magical’ sack and chase you away. Once you look at this sack you realize there is nothing magical about it, and it was something you could have gotten at home without freezing nearly to death in a box. From here you will continue to go north and begin to veer to the northeast once you are past the Cactus of Many Faces who decides to make you dance a sillier version of the Macarena while he sticks you with his spikes. If you pass the test then you are able to continue on the way you were going.

Before too long, you will happen upon the apple pie baker’s shop that you had heard the miner’s, daughter’s, fiance’s, mother mention long ago. Here you will acquire both food and a plain looking jar and then continue on your way. Your travels will take you a day or so further north, and here you will find the Tree of Many Fruits. Many other trees surround him, and you must decide which tree he is. Throwing rocks that you find on the ground may be helpful, but only if you find the correct rock that is located down by the stream in the belly of a giant fish who decides that he wants to molest you rather than give you this rock. If you wish to go about finding the Tree of Many Fruits after dying a couple of times from the fish insanity you may just want to go about asking which tree the Tree of Many Faces is… of course, this all depends on the player.

The Tree of Many Fruits will ask you a series of riddles, the answer no matter the question will always be ‘not only are you a pig, but a dead one at that.’ In the tree’s astonishment that you actually answered his absurd questions correctly, you will have enough time to find the fruit that looks as if it were covered in blood and yet washed clean of it all at once. Put this within that sack that you nearly died for, and begin your journey back. This time, detour and do not return to that completely mental cactus unless you have a death wish. The cactus has decided that you are a ghost of someone he has never before met, but wishes him dead and will plug you with spikes if you get within  100 feet of him.

Eventually you will make it back to the shoppe of that apple pie maker, and you will take that lovely fruit you now have and crush it up into a paste after searching the millions of cookbooks this woman has within her home. Half-way through reading the Zombie Cure recipe you realize that something important is missing from this concoction… a piece of the half-crazed cactus has to be added in order for this paste to hold any threat over the zombies of your village. Hurry along to find this cactus again, and after dodging the spikes he shoots at you gather enough of the ones on the ground that you can race back to where the paste is waiting for the spikes. After these are added you are free to go, but decide to stay the night since it has been quite a while since the creator of this long-winded and pointless adventure has neglected to let you do so since you were see in the cardboard box at Ernesto’s.

That next day you are thrown out of the dwelling at the ass-crack of dawn and you hurry along to continue your adventure. It is at this exact moment that you realize something is quite heavy, and you have been carrying the blasted object since you left the village…. that axe that you had to waste your precious time finding when this journey began. You have not had to use the object that was weighing down your movement speed, and start to curse whatever God may be deriving amusement from this farce of an adventure. Still, you must adventure on or the ending of this idiotic curse will never come.

Ernesto’s home is not too far ahead now, and you are starting to get rather tired again as it has been a day or so since the last time you were able to snatch more than an hour or so of sleep. Deciding that you would go so far as to actually sleep in that uncomfortable box for whatever reason, probably because the writer here has gotten exceedingly bored and is tired of the constant whining you seem to indulge in. Ernesto greets you perhaps a bit too friendly, and offers you a bed this time stead of the box that he had to give you the last time you had invited yourself upon his land. The only problem here? The bed that he offers you is the bed that he himself sleeps in. You must share his bed, or you may move onward with your journey and not rest for the remainder of the trip. Keep in mind that you will die if you do not rest.

You choose to stay in Ernesto’s home for the night, and when you leave the next morning you have an aura of horrific shame. Something happened last night that you will never be able to cope with, and are not even sure that this quest you are on is worth completing anymore if you now have to live with the memories of…. that…. for the rest of your life. You do have to live with it, for you just gained invincibility for the remainder of this trip back to your home. Have fun trying to kill yourself, but you will not be able to.

Eventually you make it back to your little village where the zombies are still milling around mindlessly… You remember what you read about the past that you made, and remember that you have to rub the stuff all over your exposed skin and let the zombies flock to you. Feeding time!!!!! The zombies start to walk towards you, and begin chewing on every inch of skin they find. Everyone has been turned back to normal with no memory of what has happened to them during the time the curse was placed.

Something has gone wrong with your plan to cure the zombie, however. That invincibility spell that had been place on you? It wore off after entering your village, and now you have contracted the zombie disease that affected everyone only moments before. Suddenly there is an agreement struck up between all of the townspeople, and you are run through with a spear and your head is chopped off. You did, however, finish your adventure, and won the game!!!!!!! Congratulations on winning…. too bad you died and it doesn’t matter!

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